Documentation for the text files included in the archive, ROCK&SEX.ZIP
Yes, they're text files, and any idiot can figure them out, but read this anyway -- there's important information in this file.
The following files should be contained in the archive ROCK&SEX.ZIP. If you are missing any of the files listed below, it is likely that you are the target of a Communist plot, and suicide is definitely a viable option.
PORNO.DOC ------/
PORNO.WRI -----/ Several different formats of the "Pornos on PBS" paper
PORNO.WP ----/ (say that five times fast.)
PORNO.TXT ---/
MYTHS.DOC --------/
MYTHS.WRI -------/ The same of the "Debunking the Legends" article
MYTHS.WP ------/
MYTHS.TXT -----/
NO_READ.ME! -----------> DO NOT READ THIS FILE!
README.1ST This file that you so eloquently read now.
ROCK & SEX is Shareware! Please support the author by sending him $150.00, a key to your house, a brand new Porsche 928S (metallic burgundy preferred) and an attractive, feisty redhead with charm and wit.
REGISTER ROCK & SEX! If you send me your name and credit card number, I'll do the rest. (I also sell Iowan beachfront real estate, if interested.)
Here are several copies of an article from which I derived great pleasure. It is from a local metal-mag called "Rock-scene." It quite bluntly tears to pieces some of the artists I dislike.
I went through the considerable trouble to type it up, and I figured it would be a crying shame if you couldn't read it -- so here's what I included (aren't I a swell guy):
MYTHS.DOC -- Word for Windows 2 format (For the smart people)
MYTHS.WRI -- Windows Write Format (get W4W, silly person)
MYTHS.WP -- WordPerfect 5.0 format (what, computer too slow for windows?)
MYTHS.TXT -- Standard Text Format (for you people without the others)
This article is scathing, and not for the weak of heart or strong of loyalty to a band that's covered; but don't send the hate mail to me, I only typed it up. Of course, keep in mind that I agree with just about everything in there. ;)
Bands that are covered: Nirvana, Guns-n-Roses... Hey, just read it!
This is a short work of satire that I wrote to fulfill my obligations in College Composition II. Regard it purely as satire, and nobody will get hurt. Hopefully, you'll find it as humorous as my professor did, and send me money. (grin.)
Same as above, four files of the text:
PORNO.DOC -- For people with a really good word processor
PORNO.WRI -- For people saving up for a really good word processor
PORNO.WP -- For people who wish they could replace their XTs
PORNO.TXT -- For people who have something else inferior to W4W
Note to all hardnose freaks who are looking for a frizzle to fry:
I am not a programmer. I will probably never be a programmer. If you got a virus from downloading this program from a BBS*, then you didn't get it from any intentional act on my part, despite what the NO_READ.ME! file may have said (Though, if your computer talks to you of its own free will, I recommend counseling.)
* Bulletin Board System, a form of electronic entertainment for people who can't socialize unless they are speaking from conditions of anonymity.
If you got a virus from a copy of this program which a friend passed to you, get new friends. They're probably out to get you.
If you get the Human Immuno-deficiency virus from this archived group of files, contact "A Current Affair." They won't be able to save you, but they'll buy your story, and at least you'll die rich and famous.
There are no warranties from this program, expressed or implied. Hell, it's FREE, what do you want from me? If you are dissatisfied with the content of the articles herein, I cannot sympathize with you. I think that they're damn funny, and that's all that really matters.
If the programs, by some strange twist in the cosmic fabric that holds this universe together, should happen to screw up your computer beyond repair, you're outta luck, pal. I can't afford to have it fixed whether you sue me or not. Besides, if you screw up trying to run a text file, you really shouldn't have a computer anyway.
I never inhaled.
I am not a member of the Associated Group of Shareware Professionals, the Group of Associated Shareware Professionals, the Professional Group of Shareware Associates, the Professional Associates of Professional Shareware-writing-as-a-profession-type People, or any other shareware authors' group, for that matter. I told you, I don't do programming.
This means that, for the humor impaired, the request at the beginning of this document is satire. If you sent me the money, the key, the car, or the credit card number, you have little hope of ever seeing it again. (Besides, I didn't list an address -- if you managed to find where to send all that stuff, you shouldn't get it back anyway.)
If you sent the redhead as per the description, forget it, bub. She's MINE.
Any loss of touch with reality due to uncotrollable fits of laughter is wholeheartedly endorsed by the author(s) of the documents herein. However, any bodily or mental harm occurring as a result of the aforementioned fits of laughter or the ensuing reality breach is strictly the responsibilty of the laugh-er. Laugh at your own risk.
Underhanded, opportunistic WWF ISO handsome, generous S/D/WWM with country club membership to satisfy all her monetary desires. Must be tall, dark, handsome and very rich. Large insurance policy preferred. Please send photograph and bank statement.
Many women may experience a heightened sense of sexual desire after reading words that I have typed. (I can't explain it, I just felt it my duty to tell you.) I therefore urge women to read with caution, but will neither express nor imply any warranty for damage to furniture or small appliances due to the overuse thereof, unless caused by myself.
The author of this README file does not condone suicide, nor does he recommend it as a remedy for the problems that may plague this article's readers. He does, however, sympathize with those who have considered suicide as an alternative to living in the hellish nightmare that they call life, and offers these words of advice: "DON'T DO IT, MAN!"
NOW GO READ! ENJOY! REALLY! IT'S OKAY! THERE'S NOTHING MORE TO READ! HONEST! GET GOING! READ THE REAL STUFF NOW! DO AS YOU'RE TOLD! PLEASE?
What are you doing all the way down here? You should be reading the files you downloaded, for crying out loud! Get to it, dope!
Egad, can't you follow directions? I bet you even read the NO_READ.ME! file that I so vehemently told you not to. (Did you ever see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?" Remember what happened to the bratty kids that didn't do what they were told?)
